How to practise self-compassion

Signs you could do with more self-compassion

You don't need to be in a crisis for this to matter. A few common signs that you're harder on yourself than you need to be:

• You'd comfort a friend in your situation, but you tell yourself off.
• One mistake plays on a loop in your head for days.
• You feel you have to earn rest, or kindness, by doing enough first.
• When things go wrong, it feels as if everyone else has it together and it's only you.
• You either push painful feelings away or get completely swept up in them.
• You worry that going easier on yourself would make you lazy.
• Praise slides off you, but criticism sticks.

If several of these sound familiar, you're in good company. They're habits, not flaws, and habits can change.

Why is it so hard to be kind to yourself?

For a lot of people, the harsh voice started early. Paul Gilbert, the psychologist who developed compassion-focused therapy, points out that strong shame and self-criticism often grow out of hard early experiences: a lot of criticism, bullying, or not being shown much warmth. If that was your world, being hard on yourself first was a way of staying safe.

Gilbert describes three systems that shape how we feel: one that spots threats, one that drives us towards goals, and one that soothes and calms us. For people used to harsh criticism, he writes, the threat system tends to run the show, and both the outside world and their own inner world can feel hostile. He also noticed that people with a lot of shame and self-criticism can find it very hard to feel any warmth or safety towards themselves. They can see the logic of being fairer to themselves, but it doesn't help them feel any better. That's why self-compassion is something you practise, not just something you agree with.

There's also a belief that keeps the critic in charge: that if you go easy on yourself, you'll stop trying. Neff calls this fear the number one block to self-compassion. It's worth looking at closely, because the evidence points the other way.

Won't self-compassion make me lazy or soft?

It's the most common worry, and it's understandable. But in four experiments published in 2012, Berkeley researchers Breines and Chen found the opposite. People who were encouraged to be kind to themselves about a mistake were more motivated to make amends and to improve. After failing a hard test, they spent more time studying for the next one than people who had been given a boost to their self-esteem.

Neff's work also separates self-compassion from a few things it often gets confused with:

• It isn't self-pity. Self-pity says 'why me?'. Self-compassion says 'this is hard, and other people go through it too'.
• It isn't self-indulgence. Caring about yourself sometimes means doing the hard, healthy thing, not the easy one.
• It isn't letting yourself off the hook. Feeling safe enough to admit a mistake makes it easier to own it and put it right.
• It isn't weakness. Having your own back is what helps you face hard things, instead of fighting yourself as well.

It also seems to matter for how you feel. A 2012 review by MacBeth and Gumley pooled 20 groups of people from 14 studies and found a large link between more self-compassion and fewer mental health symptoms. That's a link, not proof that one causes the other.

Self-compassion vs self-esteem: what's the difference?

Self-esteem is how highly you rate yourself. It tends to rise when you succeed and drop when you fail, and it often depends on feeling special or above average. Self-compassion doesn't ask you to rate yourself at all. It's about how you treat yourself, especially when things go wrong.

In a study of more than 2,000 people, Neff and Roos Vonk found that self-compassion went with steadier feelings of self-worth than self-esteem did, and depended less on how things turned out. Self-esteem, but not self-compassion, was linked with narcissism. The two aren't rivals. Self-compassion can be what keeps your sense of worth steady on a bad day.

Exercise 1: The friend test

This is the simplest way in, adapted from the first exercise on Neff's website. Think of a time a close friend was struggling or felt bad about themselves. Write down what you'd say to them, and the tone you'd use. Then think of a time you were struggling, and write down what you said to yourself, and how.

Most people find a big gap. Ask yourself why. What are you afraid would happen if you spoke to yourself the way you speak to them? Then try it once, on something small, and see what actually happens.

Exercise 2: The self-compassion break

This is Neff's best-known exercise, and you can do it anywhere, at any time of day. Bring to mind something that's causing you stress right now. Let yourself feel a little of the discomfort in your body. Then say three things to yourself, slowly:

1. 1'This is a moment of suffering.' That's mindfulness, naming what's happening. 'This hurts' or 'This is stress' work just as well.
2. 2'Suffering is a part of life.' That's common humanity. You could also say 'I'm not alone' or 'We all struggle in our lives'.
3. 3'May I be kind to myself.' That's self-kindness. Put a hand on your heart if you like, and ask what you need to hear right now: 'May I forgive myself', 'May I be patient', or your own words.

If the words feel stiff, change them. What matters is the three moves, not the exact script.

Exercise 3: Supportive touch

It sounds almost too simple. When you notice you're stressed, take two or three slow breaths and rest a hand over your heart. Feel the warmth and the gentle pressure, and the rise and fall of your breathing. Stay with it for as long as you like.

Neff points out that it may feel awkward at first, but your body responds to the gesture of warmth and care anyway. If a hand on your heart doesn't feel right, try a hand on your cheek, a hand on your stomach, or crossing your arms and giving yourself a gentle squeeze.

Exercise 4: Write yourself a kind letter

Pick something about yourself that often makes you feel not good enough. Write a few lines about it, and the feelings it brings up, as plainly as you can.

Then imagine a friend who is completely kind and accepting. They see all your strengths and all your flaws, and they understand how your history shaped you. Write a letter to yourself from them, about that same flaw. If they'd suggest a change, notice how kindly they'd put it. Put the letter down for a while, then come back and read it again slowly.

Exercise 5: Soften your critical self-talk

Start by catching the critic. When you feel bad, notice the exact words you just said to yourself, and the tone. Does it sound like anyone from your past? Then answer it, gently. Neff suggests saying something like: 'I know you're worried about me and feel unsafe, but you are causing me unnecessary pain.' Then reword the criticism the way a caring friend would, with a practical next step if one helps.

If your inner critic is loud and constant, the negative self-talk worksheet takes you through catching, checking and answering one thought at a time.

Exercise 6: A self-compassion journal

Neff suggests trying this every evening for a week. Look back over the day and write down anything you felt bad about, judged yourself for, or found painful. Then take each one through the three parts:

• Mindfulness: write how you felt, honestly, without making it bigger or smaller. 'I was frustrated, I snapped, and I felt foolish afterwards.'
• Common humanity: write how it's part of being human. 'Everyone over-reacts sometimes. I was late and stressed.'
• Kindness: write yourself a few kind, understanding words. 'It wasn't the end of the world. Maybe I'll be a bit more patient tomorrow.'

How to make self-compassion a habit

Like any skill, it gets easier with practice. In a small trial published in 2013, Neff and Germer found that people who took an eight-week self-compassion course became more self-compassionate and mindful, and reported better wellbeing, than a waiting-list group. The gains were still there a year later.

You don't need a course to start. If you take nothing else from this guide, take these five steps:

1. 1Notice: when you feel a dip, name it plainly. 'This is hard right now.'
2. 2Remember you're not alone: other people feel this too.
3. 3Be kind: say what you'd say to a friend, with a hand on your heart if it helps.
4. 4Ask what you need: comfort, rest, a limit, or one small step to change something.
5. 5Repeat it: a little, often, especially on the days it feels least natural.

Where to go next

Pick what fits where you are. Each links to a free worksheet you can fill in online or print.

To practise the self-compassion break, the friend test, a kind letter and the evening journal on a real moment, use the self-compassion worksheet.

If a harsh inner voice is the main problem, start with the negative self-talk worksheet.

And if you want to turn kindness into everyday care, like meeting your own needs and setting boundaries, try the self-love worksheet.

When to get more support

Self-compassion is a helpful skill for ordinary hard times, but it isn't a fix for everything. If your inner voice is relentless or cruel, if you feel hopeless, or if you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out for real support. That isn't a sign you've failed at this.

Talk to your GP or family doctor, or a qualified mental health professional. Compassion-focused therapy was developed for people with high levels of shame and self-criticism, and your doctor can point you towards talking therapies. If you're in danger right now, call your local emergency number or a crisis line. These guides and worksheets are educational self-reflection tools, not therapy or medical advice.