How to find your core values

Core values list: examples to choose from

There are hundreds of possible values, and no official list. Here's a plain one to start from, grouped so it's easier to scan. The words are only labels. What matters is what each one means to you, so add your own if something's missing.

• People and connection: family, friendship, love, belonging, community, loyalty.
• Kindness and care: kindness, compassion, generosity, patience, forgiveness, helping others.
• Honesty and character: honesty, integrity, fairness, responsibility, respect, courage.
• Growth and learning: learning, curiosity, growth, wisdom, challenge, doing things well.
• Freedom and creativity: independence, freedom, adventure, spontaneity, creativity, authenticity.
• Security and achievement: security, stability, order, hard work, achievement, ambition.
• Health and enjoyment: health, fun, humour, rest, nature, beauty.
• Meaning and the wider world: faith, purpose, tradition, gratitude, justice, making a difference.

If you'd rather do this on paper, the core values worksheet has the same list to pick from, then helps you narrow it down.

What's the difference between values and goals?

This is the part most people mix up, and it matters. A goal is something you can finish and tick off: get the job, run the race, move house. A value is a direction you keep heading in, however much you've already done. Harris compares a value to heading west. You can cross rivers and mountains along the way, which are your goals, but no matter how far you travel, you never arrive at 'west'.

His own example: wanting to get married is a goal. Once it's done, it's done. Wanting to be a loving, caring, supportive partner is a value. You live it, or you don't, every day.

That's why values are useful when goals go wrong. If you don't get the job, that goal is gone, but a value like learning or doing good work is still there for you to act on tomorrow.

Signs your life has drifted from your values

Nobody lives by their values all the time. But a few signs suggest the gap between what you care about and how you spend your days has grown wide:

• You're busy all the time, but at the end of the week it feels empty.
• Big decisions feel impossible, or you keep letting other people make them for you.
• You say yes to things and then quietly resent them.
• Things look fine from the outside, but a voice keeps asking 'is this it?'
• You feel a flash of envy at someone's life, and can't say exactly why.
• You're working hard towards goals you're not sure you ever chose.
• Something you did leaves you uneasy, even though nobody else noticed.

If the emptiness is constant, or comes with low mood, poor sleep or losing interest in things you used to enjoy, that may be more than drift, and it's worth talking to a GP or family doctor (see 'When to get more support' below). Otherwise, none of these mean something's wrong with you. They're often a sign that what you do day to day and what you care about have come apart a little. That gap is something you can work on, one small step at a time.

How to find your core values, step by step

Set aside 20 minutes or so, somewhere you won't be interrupted. Go with your first reactions, and don't try to sound impressive. Nobody else has to see this.

1. 1Pick out every value on the list that feels important to you. Go with your gut, and leave out the ones you only think you should care about.
2. 2Sort your picks into two groups: very important to me, and important to me. Sorting values into piles by how important they are is the idea behind the Personal Values Card Sort, from Miller and colleagues at the University of New Mexico.
3. 3Narrow the very important group down to your top five. If you're stuck between two, ask: if I could only keep one of these for the next year, which would it be?
4. 4Put each one in your own words, as something you do. Not just 'honesty', but 'saying what I really think, kindly'.
5. 5Score each one twice, from 0 to 10: how important it is to you, and how well you've lived by it this past month. The biggest gaps show you where to start.
6. 6Pick one value and one small thing you'll do this week to act on it. Make it specific: what, when and where.

Step 5 is adapted from a rating form in Russ Harris's free ACT worksheets. Be honest with the scores, but not harsh. A low score isn't a verdict on you. It's just showing you where a little attention would go furthest.

Questions to help if the list doesn't click

Sometimes a list of words feels abstract. Harris suggests a few simple starting questions: deep down, what is important to you? What do you want your life to stand for? These come at it from your own life instead:

• When did you feel proud of how you acted, not of what you achieved? What were you being in that moment?
• What makes you angry on someone else's behalf? That often points to a value being stepped on, like fairness or respect.
• Who do you admire, and for which qualities, rather than which achievements?
• What would you keep doing even if nobody ever saw it or thanked you for it?
• What would you want the people closest to you to say you stood for?

Write whatever comes, then look for the value underneath each answer and check it against the list.

What if my values clash?

They will, sometimes, and that's normal. Schwartz's research describes how some values tend to pull against each other. Chasing personal success, for example, often competes with time spent looking after other people. Wanting excitement and novelty tends to sit uneasily with keeping up tradition.

A clash doesn't mean one of your values is fake. It means you're choosing which one leads for now. A useful question: which choice moves me towards the person I want to be, in this part of my life, right now? The answer can change. Caring for a new baby or a parent who's unwell might put family first this year, and something else first later.

Does writing about your values help?

There's research on this, and it's worth being honest about what it shows. In studies of 'self-affirmation', people spend a few minutes writing about a value that matters to them. A 2014 review by researchers Geoffrey Cohen and David Sherman describes studies where short, well-timed exercises like this helped people in school, health and relationships, sometimes for months or even years.

In one lab study of 85 people, Creswell and colleagues (2005) found that those who wrote about an important value before a stressful task had a smaller rise in the stress hormone cortisol than people given a comparison task. But not every study finds an effect. When Hanselman and colleagues (2017) carefully repeated a large school study that had shown benefits, they found no evidence that it helped.

So the fair summary is that writing about what you value may help some people, some of the time, and it only takes a few minutes to try. It isn't a cure, and it's no replacement for support if you're struggling. The worksheet includes a short version you can try.

How to live by your values day to day

Knowing your values is the easier part. Living by them happens in small, ordinary moments. In ACT this is called committed action: setting goals guided by your values, and then taking steps towards them. A few ways in:

• Pick one value a week, and one small action for it. 'Be a better friend' becomes 'text Jo on Thursday to ask how the interview went'.
• Use your values to make decisions. When you're torn, ask which option fits the person you want to be.
• Expect some discomfort. Acting on a value often means doing something a bit scary, like speaking up or saying no. Harris asks a useful question: if living by this value means making room for some anxiety, are you willing to do that?
• Notice drift without beating yourself up. You'll fall short, as everyone does. Because a value is a direction, you can turn back towards it at any moment.
• Come back to it every few months, or after a big change. Which values lead can shift as your life does.

Where to go next

Pick what fits where you are. Each links to a free worksheet you can fill in online or print.

To pick your values, narrow them to five and plan one small step, use the core values worksheet.

If the bigger question is who you are underneath your roles, start with the 'Who am I?' worksheet.

To see which parts of your life are getting your time and attention, try the wheel of life.

And to turn a value into a goal you'll actually follow through on, use the goal-setting worksheet.

When to get more support

Thinking about your values can stir up hard feelings, especially if you realise your life has drifted a long way from what matters to you, or you're facing a big decision on your own. That's understandable, and it isn't a sign you've done something wrong.

If you feel stuck, hopeless or overwhelmed, talk to your GP or family doctor, or a qualified mental health professional. Values work is part of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), so you can ask whether that's available to you. If you're in danger right now, or having thoughts of harming yourself, call your local emergency number or a crisis line. These guides and worksheets are educational self-reflection tools, not therapy or medical advice.