Signs of codependency: what they look like and what helps

What are the signs of codependency?

These are plain-language signs people use when they talk about this pattern. You might see yourself in some, none or all of them, and they can show up in one relationship and not in others.

• People-pleasing: you say yes to keep the peace, and agree before you know what you think.
• Over-responsibility for other people's feelings: if someone is upset or struggling, you feel it is yours to fix, or that you caused it.
• Difficulty saying no: a refusal feels rude, selfish or risky, so you over-explain or give in.
• Losing track of your own needs: when asked what you want, you are not sure, or you answer with what the other person wants.
• Fear of being left: you work hard to be needed, and worry that if you stop, the relationship ends.
• Your mood follows theirs: your day goes well or badly depending on how they are.

The first signs overlap with people-pleasing. If the automatic yes is the biggest part for you, the guide to stopping people-pleasing goes into that in detail.

What causes codependency?

Codependency has no single cause. Nothing here blames you or your parents. Some ideas people find useful to think about:

• Early lessons about being useful. If being helpful or easy was how you stayed close to a parent, a friend or any other relationship, you may have carried that into later ones.
• Living with someone else's crisis. When a person close to you has an illness, an addiction or a volatile mood, keeping them steady may become a full-time job.
• Worry about being left. How you tend to bond with people may shape how threatening a disagreement feels. The attachment styles guide explores this.
• Not much practice at noticing your own wants. If nobody asked, the skill may simply be new.

These are possibilities to be curious about, not findings about you. If you want to think about how your sense of worth fits in, the self-worth worksheets are a place to start.

What helps if you recognise these signs?

If you recognise these signs, small, repeated steps may be easier to keep going than a big decision. None of these is a cure, and none needs the other person to change first.

1. 1Pause before you answer. 'Let me think about it and get back to you' gives you time to find out what you want.
2. 2Write your own needs list. Put down what you need this week for sleep, food, time alone, money and people you enjoy. Start with just two or three.
3. 3Only if it feels safe. If you are afraid of the person, skip to the section on abuse and control.
4. 4Try one small boundary. Choose a low-risk situation, such as ending a call at a set time, and see how it goes.
5. 5Notice whose problem it is. Before you step in, ask whether the person has asked for help, and whether they could handle it themselves.
6. 6Keep one thing that is only yours: a walk, a class, a friend who has nothing to do with this relationship.
7. 7Talk to someone outside the situation, such as a friend you trust, a GP or a counsellor.

The codependency worksheet lets you look at one relationship on paper. The boundaries worksheet and the types of boundaries worksheet help you plan what to say, and the people-pleasing worksheet covers the automatic yes. The guide to setting boundaries explains the steps in more detail.

Some people also find support groups useful. Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) is a fellowship of men and women, and on its website says its only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. It is a peer group, not therapy, and it is not for everyone. You can look at coda.org to see whether it suits you.

If someone close to you drinks heavily, Al-Anon Family Groups is for people affected by someone else's drinking. In the UK, its helpline is 0800 0086 811 (free, 7 days a week); in the US, see al-anon.org.

When is it not codependency? Abuse and control

If someone controls what you do, who you see or how you spend money, threatens you, or hurts you, that is not a pattern for you to work on. It is abuse, and it is not your fault. Boundary exercises and 'working on yourself' are not the answer, and trying to set a boundary could make you less safe.

If you are afraid of the other person, there is hitting or threats, you are controlled, or you are stopped from leaving, please talk to a domestic abuse service first. In England, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours on 0808 2000 247. In Scotland, call 0800 027 1234; in Wales, 0808 80 10 800; in Northern Ireland, 0808 802 1414. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. In immediate danger, call 999 (UK) or 911 (US) or your local emergency number. The helplines page at selfgrowth.org/help lists more. If someone might see your device, use a safe one.

When to get more support

Consider talking to a GP or a counsellor if the pattern is wearing you down, your low mood or anxiety is not easing, or you feel stuck. You do not need to wait until it is bad enough. Seeing a professional can help you make sense of it with someone who knows your situation, which a guide cannot do.

If you are thinking about harming yourself or ending your life, that is serious: call Samaritans on 116 123 (UK and Ireland), call or text 988 (US), or find a line at findahelpline.com. More routes: selfgrowth.org/help. If you have chest pain, trouble breathing or fainting, call 999 (UK) or 911 (US) or your local emergency number; use NHS 111 if you are unsure.