Difficult conversations: how to have one, step by step

How to prepare for a difficult conversation

Ten minutes with a pen can help you get ready. Write short answers to these:

• What you want: the one thing you hope is different after this talk. A request, an apology, a decision, or simply to be heard.
• What you know and what you guess: what you saw or heard yourself, against what you are assuming about their reasons. Keep the facts for the talk. Hold the guesses lightly, or turn them into questions.
• Their likely view: how the same events might look from where they stand. You do not have to agree with it to picture it.
• Timing and place: somewhere private, with enough time, when neither of you is tired, hungry or rushing out. A serious talk is better face to face or on a call. A message can work to ask for a time to talk.
• Your opening line: write the first one or two sentences and say them out loud once. The start sets the tone.

The conflict resolution worksheet walks through these on paper, including the safety check.

How to have a difficult conversation: step by step

Go at your own pace. If you only manage the first three steps today, that is a real start.

1. 1Ask for a good time. 'Can we talk about something this weekend? It matters to me.' This gives them notice and avoids an ambush.
2. 2Start with your purpose and your care. 'I want to talk about this because I value us.' A kind start makes it easier for them to stay and listen.
3. 3Say what you have seen, in plain facts. 'The last three times we planned something, you cancelled on the day.' Leave out labels such as lazy, selfish or rude.
4. 4Say how it affects you and what you would like. 'I feel let down, and I would like us to agree a plan we can both keep.' One feeling and one clear request is enough.
5. 5Stop and listen. Ask 'How does it look to you?' and let them finish. Say back what you heard before you answer: 'So you have been stretched at work. Have I got that right?'
6. 6Stay on the one issue. If old arguments creep in, say 'I would like to come back to that another time. Can we stay with this one?'
7. 7Look for a next step you can both do. Make it small and specific: who does what, and by when.
8. 8Close kindly and say when you will check in. 'Thanks for hearing me out. Shall we see how it is going in two weeks?'

A good talk does not have to end with you agreeing. Being heard, and hearing them, can be the result for now. The I-statements worksheet helps you turn steps 3 and 4 into your own words.

What to say: opening lines and phrases

Change the words until they sound like you. Short is better than clever.

• Asking for a time: 'There is something I would like to talk through with you. When would suit?'
• With a friend: 'I have missed you, and I have felt a bit hurt about the last few weeks. Can I tell you how it looks from my side?'
• With a partner: 'I want us to be good, so I would like to talk about how we split the housework. Is now okay, or later?'
• With a parent or relative: 'I love you, and I am worried about how you have been lately. Can I tell you what I have noticed?'
• Giving bad news: 'I have some news that is hard to say. I am going to tell you straight, and then we can talk about it.'
• Raising a worry about someone: 'I have noticed you seem to be struggling, and I wanted to ask how you are.'
• When it gets tense: 'I want to get this right. Can we slow down for a moment?'
• When you do not know what to say: 'I need a minute to think about that.'
• To check you heard right: 'What I am hearing is that ___. Is that fair?'
• To close: 'I do not think we will sort it all today. Can we pick it up on ___?'

Notice what is left out: no 'you always', no 'you never', and no guessing at their motives. Those lines invite a fight. A plain 'I' and a clear ask invite a talk.

If it goes badly

Sometimes the talk goes wrong. They get angry, go silent, cry, leave the room, or you say something you did not mean. That does not mean you should not have tried.

• Pause. 'I think we are both upset. Can we stop for twenty minutes and come back to this?' Say when you will come back, so a pause is not read as walking away.
• Breathe out slowly and let your body settle before you speak again.
• If you said something unfair, say so: 'That came out harsher than I meant. I am sorry. What I meant was ___.' The guide to apologising has more.
• Come back to it later, in a calmer moment, or in writing if speaking is too hard.
• It is allowed to end it. If the talk has turned into shouting, insults or threats, you can say 'I am going to stop here' and leave. You do not have to finish a conversation that has stopped being safe or fair.

Afterwards, write down one thing that went as you wanted and one thing you would change. Then be kind to yourself. A hard talk that did not go well is still practice for the next one.

Difficult conversations at work

Work talks have extra layers: a boss's power over you, a team that has to keep working together, and sometimes rules about how a complaint must be handled. The same steps apply. Ask for a private time, stick to facts about the work, say the effect it has on you, and ask for one clear change.

• With a colleague: start with the task, not the person. 'When the files arrive after 5pm I cannot finish them. Could we agree a cut-off of 3pm?'
• With your manager: ask for a short meeting and bring one or two examples and one proposal. 'My workload has grown. Can we look at what to drop or move?'
• If you are the manager: be clear, specific and kind. Say what you have seen, what needs to change, and what support you will offer. Write down what was agreed.

If you keep ending up taking on too much, the guide to work boundaries can help you decide what to say. If the problem is bullying, harassment or discrimination, do not try to sort it out alone in one conversation. Keep a note of what happened and when, and take it to HR, a manager above the person, or a union rep.

When not to have the conversation

Everything above assumes the other person is safe to disagree with. If you are afraid of them, or they control you, threaten you or hurt you, do not confront them and do not try to talk it through on your own. Staying quiet or choosing your moment can be the sensible thing to do. Your safety comes first.

In England, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours on 0808 2000 247. In Scotland, call 0800 027 1234; in Wales, 0808 80 10 800; in Northern Ireland, 0808 802 1414. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is on 1-800-799-7233. If you are in immediate danger, call 999 in the UK or 911 in the US.

A talk is also best left for another day if either of you is drunk or very angry, if there are other people listening, or if you want to talk only to win. Waiting a day is allowed.

When to get more support

Some conversations are too big to plan on your own. If a hard talk is wearing you down, if dread of one is affecting your sleep or mood, or if you keep having the same row with no way through, you deserve real support. A GP is a good first step. A counsellor can help you practise what to say, and a mediator can help families or neighbours talk things through.

If you are struggling to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact a crisis line now: Samaritans on 116 123 (UK and Ireland), 988 (US), or find a line in your country at findahelpline.com.