Anger
Anger iceberg worksheet: a free printable to find what's under your anger
Updated 11 October 2026 · 6 min read · Free to print
The anger iceberg is a simple picture of what anger can hide. The anger you show sits above the water: the shouting, snapping or going quiet. Underneath are feelings that are harder to show, like hurt, fear, shame, embarrassment, exhaustion or feeling ignored. This free printable worksheet helps you find yours, and what you needed.
By the Self Growth team · drawn from a widely used teaching image and cognitive behavioural anger work · how we make these
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After you've snapped at someone, the anger is the part everyone saw. It's also the part you're most likely to beat yourself up about. But anger rarely turns up on its own. Often there's something quieter underneath it: feeling hurt, scared, embarrassed, worn out or ignored. Those feelings are harder to show, so anger steps in front of them.
That's the idea behind the anger iceberg. The tip above the water is the anger you show. The much bigger part below the waterline is everything else you were feeling. When you can name what's underneath, you can often work out what you actually needed, and ask for it more clearly next time.
This worksheet takes one angry moment through six steps: what happened, what showed, what was underneath, what you needed, what you'd like to do next time, and how to repair things if you hurt someone. It isn't about deciding your anger was wrong. Anger often makes sense. If you're angry because someone is treating you badly, that anger is information, not a flaw to fix.
One honest note before you start. If your anger has led to hitting, threatening, frightening or controlling a partner or family member, this worksheet isn't enough on its own. In the UK, the Respect Phoneline (0808 8024040) is free and confidential for people worried about their own behaviour. If someone is hurting you, call a domestic abuse service: UK 0808 2000 247, US 1-800-799-7233.
How to use this worksheet
- 1Pick one specific angry moment, ideally from the last few days, while you can still remember what you said and felt.
- 2Wait until you've calmed down. You can't see under the water while you're still at the boil.
- 3Tick everything that fits underneath. More than one feeling is normal, and some may surprise you.
- 4Be honest but kind. The aim is to understand yourself, not to put yourself on trial.
The worksheet
selfgrowth.org
My Anger Iceberg Worksheet
Six steps to look under one angry moment: what showed, what was underneath, what you needed and what you'll do next time. If your anger has led to hitting, threatening or controlling someone, also talk to the Respect Phoneline (UK 0808 8024040). If someone is hurting you, call a domestic abuse service (UK 0808 2000 247, US 1-800-799-7233).
Anger is the part that shows. Look underneath for what else is there, then tick what fits on the sheet below.
01What happened?
Write it like a camera would have seen it: just the facts, without the story about who was right.
What happened, in a few lines:
When and where was it, and who was there?
How angry did I get at the peak?
02What showed on the surface
This is the tip of the iceberg: what other people could see or hear. Tick what fits, then write down what you actually said or did.
What I actually said or did (as close to the real words as I can):
03What was underneath?
Now look below the waterline. Use the iceberg above for ideas. Tick every feeling that was there, even the small ones, then put it in your own words.
In my own words, underneath the anger I felt:
Does this feeling seem familiar? When else have I felt it, and where might it come from?
04What did I need?
Underneath feelings often point to a need that wasn't being met. Naming the need is what lets you ask for it next time.
In one sentence, what I needed was:
Who could I have asked for it, and how?
05What I'd like to do next time
Pick something small and specific. You're not trying to never feel angry again, just to catch it a little earlier and say what's underneath.
The earliest sign I'll watch for (in my body, my thoughts or what I start to do):
What I'll do when I notice it (a pause, a breath, a short break):
What I could say instead, naming what's underneath: 'I feel … when … because … What I need is …'
06A repair step, if I hurt someone
If what you said or did hurt someone, a kind and honest repair can help. Own your part without a 'but', name the feeling underneath as an explanation, not an excuse, and let them respond in their own time. If you've hit, threatened or frightened a partner or family member, don't push for contact: talk to the Respect Phoneline (UK 0808 8024040) or a GP first. And if they hurt you, the repair isn't yours to make.
What I'll say, in my own words:
When I'll say it:
When you're done, a moment to reflect
- Which feeling turns up under your anger most often? What does it usually need?
- Who taught you what anger looks like, and is that how you want to do it?
- Is there a feeling you find easier to show as anger than as itself? Why might that be?
- What would you want the people you love to understand about your iceberg?
Where the anger iceberg comes from, and does it help?
The anger iceberg is a teaching picture, not a research model, and nobody can say for sure who drew it first. The Gottman Institute helped make it well known with a 2016 blog post by couples therapist Kyle Benson. That post doesn't claim the Gottmans invented it. It credits a play therapist's resource as the inspiration. The words under the water on this sheet are our own.
The idea it captures does show up in more formal anger work. The anger management workbook published by SAMHSA (the US government's mental health and substance use agency) asks you to notice 'emotional cues' that come with anger, such as fear, hurt, jealousy and feeling disrespected. Noticing the feeling underneath is one of the ways that programme helps you spot anger early.
The 'what I'd like to do next time' step leans on calming down before you talk. A 2024 meta-analysis (a study that pools many studies) by Sophie Kjærvik and Brad Bushman combined 154 studies. Calming activities, like slow breathing and relaxation, reduced anger and aggression. Activities that rev you up, like hitting a punchbag, didn't help overall. So the sheet asks you to settle first, then say what's underneath.
These are educational self-reflection tools, not therapy. See our editorial standards.
If you want to go deeper
- Benson, K. (2016). The anger iceberg. The Gottman Institute blog, gottman.com.
- Reilly, P. M., Shopshire, M. S., Durazzo, T. C. & Campbell, T. A. (2019). Anger Management for Substance Use Disorder and Mental Health Clients: Participant Workbook. SAMHSA Publication No. PEP19-02-01-002.
- Kjærvik, S. L. & Bushman, B. J. (2024). A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: What fuels or douses rage? Clinical Psychology Review, 109, 102414.
- NHS (n.d.). Get help with anger. nhs.uk.
Your questions, answered
- What is the anger iceberg?
- It's a picture that shows anger as the tip of an iceberg: the part above the water that other people see. Below the waterline is the much bigger part, the feelings that are harder to show, such as hurt, fear, shame, embarrassment, exhaustion or feeling ignored. The point is to get curious about what's underneath your anger, so you can understand it and say what you actually need.
- Who created the anger iceberg? Is it from the Gottman Institute?
- Its origin is unclear. The Gottman Institute helped popularise it with a 2016 blog post by therapist Kyle Benson, but that post doesn't claim the Gottmans invented it. It says the image was inspired by a play therapist's resource. It's best thought of as a widely used teaching picture, not a research model.
- What emotions are underneath anger?
- Often feelings like hurt, fear, worry, embarrassment, shame, feeling ignored or disrespected, rejection, jealousy, loneliness and plain exhaustion. Being hungry, unwell or in pain can feed anger too. Sometimes there's a mix. Anger is sometimes called a 'secondary' emotion for this reason, but it can also be a straightforward first reaction to something unfair. Both are normal.
- What causes anger, and what are the signs it's becoming a problem?
- Anger is often set off by feeling blocked, treated unfairly, criticised, ignored or threatened, and it's easier to trigger when you're tired, stressed or run down. Signs it may be a problem include anger that comes often or fast, shouting, breaking things, frightening people, often regretting what you said, or turning it inward on yourself. If that sounds like you, the anger management worksheet is a good next step, and a GP can help too.
- How do I use an anger iceberg worksheet?
- Wait until you've calmed down, then pick one recent angry moment. Write what happened, what you said or did, then tick the feelings that were underneath. Work out what you needed, plan what you'll do next time, and, if you hurt someone, plan a kind repair. You can come back to it whenever an angry moment stays with you. It's also a useful thing to do together with a partner, if you both feel safe doing it.
- Is there an anger iceberg PDF?
- Yes. Use the Download PDF button for a print-ready copy with the iceberg on it, or Print to print straight from the page. It's free, with no payment and no email needed. You can also fill it in on screen, and your answers save in your browser.
- Is this worksheet a substitute for therapy?
- No. It's a self-reflection tool, not therapy or medical advice. The NHS suggests seeing a GP if anger is hard to cope with, if self-help isn't working, or if you're acting in an abusive or violent way. If you're worried about your behaviour towards a partner or family member, the Respect Phoneline (UK 0808 8024040) can help. If someone is hurting you, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (UK) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-7233 (US). If you ever think about harming yourself, call Samaritans on 116 123 (UK), call or text 988 (US), or find a helpline at findahelpline.com.
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